Posted on Tuesday, 29 May

sometimes this feels like it’s never going to be a partnership. everything is always going to be mine and hers. nothing can be ours. 

the heat today was suffocating. as suffocating and stifling as my emotional state for the last several months. clouds had been gathering all day, keeping the heat cloistered all around. but in the mid afternoon sun the clouds broke open and large cool droplets began fall. they were those huge raindrops that sloosh when they hit the ground, and a cool breeze swept them into my hair. and my god the smell was intoxicating. you know that smell. cool, fresh, crisp rain smashing into the hot earth. it’s a mix of dirt and water and grass and it’s really indescribable and one of my favorite smells ever. i hesitated at first. i was with sam and lisa and aislinn at their house, with only my work clothes with me. i wouldn’t have anything to change into if i got soaked. but they all ran into the grass and lifted their arms high into the air. when i stepped out onto the wet cool lawn and felt the rain soaking into me so much of the garbage that i’ve been unable to rid myself of was washed away. it was like sweet cool kisses from the sky, soothing all my aches. and then the wind felt like it blew through me, carrying away the dust and dirt inside. the feeling was temporary, but remembering it now sends a ripple through the hollow chamber of my chest and makes me cry. i cry for how wonderful it was. i cry because i wish i could feel like that every moment of my life. 

Posted on Monday, 28 May

the heat today was suffocating. as suffocating and stifling as my emotional state for the last several months. clouds had been gathering all day, keeping the heat cloistered all around. but in the mid afternoon sun the clouds broke open and large cool droplets began fall. they were those huge raindrops that sloosh when they hit the ground, and a cool breeze swept them into my hair. and my god the smell was intoxicating. you know that smell. cool, fresh, crisp rain smashing into the hot earth. it’s a mix of dirt and water and grass and it’s really indescribable and one of my favorite smells ever. i hesitated at first. i was with sam and lisa and aislinn at their house, with only my work clothes with me. i wouldn’t have anything to change into if i got soaked. but they all ran into the grass and lifted their arms high into the air. when i stepped out onto the wet cool lawn and felt the rain soaking into me so much of the garbage that i’ve been unable to rid myself of was washed away. it was like sweet cool kisses from the sky, soothing all my aches. and then the wind felt like it blew through me, carrying away the dust and dirt inside. the feeling was temporary, but remembering it now sends a ripple through the hollow chamber of my chest and makes me cry. i cry for how wonderful it was. i cry because i wish i could feel like that every moment of my life. 

Posted on Monday, 28 May

if romney gets elected i don’t know if i can breathe the same air as him and his right wing racist homophobic women hating tea bagger masters. - cher

Posted on Saturday, 26 May

Posted on Saturday, 26 May

i think i am truly a loner deep down. i actively closed myself off from people as a young teenager and it took me a long time to feel comfortable around people. when i found MAGY i began to open up and let more people in and through college i easily made friends. but i’ve realized now that i MUST be a loner. i’m only still in touch with a small fraction of the people i used to see daily. i guess this is how it’s always been and always will be. even as a little girl my friends were the trees and the grass and the bugs and the dirt. i had very few friends. i get lonely very easily, but i have a hard time reaching out to people. i feel like a burden, a nuisance, and majorly annoying. i guess i feel like i should keep my pain to myself or just suck it up and get over it. 

lately i’ve been freaking myself out a little bit. i hate what my life is right now so much and i am worried it will be like this forever. if this is how my life is gonna be from now until the end then i don’t want to stick around. and that thought freaks me out. i only hope megan comes back from iowa with a car. if she does then that will open a LOT of doors for me.

Posted on Saturday, 19 May

second half of my portfolio for that ad agency.

Posted on Saturday, 19 May

yesterday i went to a portfolio review with an advertising agency for a product photographer position. it went a little something like this:

interview guy: a lot of people. none of this is product photography.

me: right. well, in my personal work i don’t shoot product. i do know how to do it but the last time i did was in college. but almost all of these are shot with studio lighting, to show you my competency with artificial lighting.

interview guy: (flippantly) right. well, what are you doing now?

me: right now i am a cashier just trying to pay the bills. photography is a passion of mine. i have no plans to quit any time soon. since i am not currently employed professionally i am doing everything i can to continue to create my personal work.

interview guy: well, i really would have liked to see some product shots. 

me: i understand. i apologize that i don’t have any to show you.

after that he asked me what equipment i’m familiar with and then gave me an application to fill out and took my resume and business card. he flipped through my book twice and that was it. i was really upset about it yesterday but i’m not surprised. the business is cut throat, but i thought if anything my images would show that i know how to use lighting and that would suffice. not to MENTION the ad said they were looking for someone to TRAIN to be a product photographer. i’m sorry but had i known you expected me to already BE one i would have stayed up all night making some product shots. i also kept doing that thing where you think about how you should have responded after the fact. like this:

interview guy: a lot of people. none of this is product photography.

me: while none of these are what are considered “typical” product shots, almost all of these could be used to advertise something. like this portrait of the girl with the tattoos could be advertising a brand of tattoo ink in a magazine. or the one of this model getting her hair done? insert a hair product into this photo and it becomes an advertisement for hair products.

interview guy: OMG U HAS PROVED ME RONG. HIRED!

this was my first interview for a professional photography job. i spent a lot of time reviewing lighting setups so that i would be prepared to explain how i lit them (since i figured THAT was what he’d be asking me) but he didn’t. i don’t really know if this guy was just a douche or if this is how it always is. unwilling to see the bigger picture and potential of a person. and just so you guys know what photos i included here they are!

(there’s a second set coming since they won’t all fit here. do you guys think i chose good images?)

Posted on Saturday, 12 May

this will soon be arriving in my mailbox in the form of FABRIC. i spent hours making this design, editing all the vault boys to be perfect, crisp, and clear and added the grime afterwards. i plan to make pillows for the daybed in my and megan’s living room. we know we’re gonna be here for a while so we want to make it everything we’ve ever wanted. why wait til we have our dream house? so we’re turning the living room into a geek/nerd/gamer/otaku haven and starting with the daybed. it’s going to be fallout 3 themed! i am even thinking of making a round pillow to look like a nuka cola cap, and perhaps even making a plush of sugar bombs or dandy boy apples as an accent pillow too. i used spoonflower to order my fabric. :D NERD LYFE.

Posted on Wednesday, 9 May

this is by takato yamamoto. just happened across this artist. graphic, dark, mesmerizing. 

Posted on Wednesday, 9 May

“I have to tell you that over the course of several years as I have talked to friends and family and neighbors when I think about members of my own staff who are in incredibly committed monogamous relationships, same-sex relationships, who are raising kids together, when I think about those soldiers or airmen or marines or sailors who are out there fighting on my behalf and yet feel constrained, even now that Don’t Ask Don’t Tell is gone, because they are not able to commit themselves in a marriage, at a certain point I’ve just concluded that for me personally it is important for me to go ahead and affirm that I think same sex couples should be able to get married.” - Barack Obama

that’s my fucking president. growing up i had a very hard time understanding how anyone could really and truly cherish their country’s leader, but maybe it’s just because i didn’t feel like the ones i saw represented me in any way. i cherish my president so very much. i want to hug him!!

5/4/2012

Posted on Friday, 4 May

my sister and i left yesterday from nashville to make our way to johnson city for my brother’s graduation. we spent a night in knoxville after braving terrible weather whilst coupled by semis on the interstate. i nearly had a panic attack. we picked up my sister today and headed from there to johnson city. it was fine until i started getting berated about the fact that i am too “picky” about finding a “big girl” job. i’m sorry but both of you enjoy your careers so fuck off. just when i thought it couldn’t get any worse some douche on the interstate pulled up next to us and started making obscene gestures about our tits. i felt slightly violated and uncomfortable when he continued to pursue us by following us and pulling up next to us on both sides. i was at an emotionally heightened state and feeling claustrophobic when the car peaked on the interstate and the smokies appeared before my eyes. i felt a tremble inside of me, an echo bouncing around inside my psyche. i can barely describe the feeling but i was nearly in tears. i felt like the mountains were trying to embrace me, wrap me in their branches and dirt and rocks and welcome me home.

Posted on Saturday, 28 April

lydiahenderson:

salt print, 2009

i have my photography blog up and running now and it is also linked to my domain lydiahenderson.com. please go follow that blog as i will be posting most of my photography there from now on. this will remain a personal blog and i will sometimes reblog photos from my photography blog. :)

dream 4/27/12

Posted on Friday, 27 April

i dreamt that i got the grant. i was so ecstatic. i flew to japan. i stayed in a hotel/hostel above a tie shop and next to a restaurant/bar called water. i called you. i heard your voice. you came to pick me up. i woke up before i got to see your face.

Posted on Thursday, 26 April

the feeling of being kept at arms length is fucking excruciating. the ache in my body to be close to her. the ache in my arms to embrace her. fucking christ i don’t understand. i don’t understand. we’ve been together for four years and i still can’t think of a time she voluntarily opened up to me and trusted me with something deeply personal. she says she doesn’t have anything to say and that’s fucking bullshit. the only personal things she’s shared with me have been brief and rushed and “i’m only telling you this to prove i trust you and we’re dropping the subject don’t even comment” kind of disclosures. she says everyone always talks over her and that’s why she has nothing to say. she’s making excuses. does she not trust me? what doesn’t she want me to know? what doesn’t she want to say? does she think she’ll sound stupid? or that i’ll laugh at her? or maybe she really doesn’t have anything to say. but i can’t imagine a person to be so completely one dimensional, and i KNOW she’s not. and it’s when i share something too. she doesn’t have anything to contribute. i swear it feels like i’m talking to a wall, or myself half the time. we only ever interact on the surface it seems. and for those that know me well they know that i need more than this. i crave depth. i devour the rich fullness of a relationship (whether it is romantic or friendly) and it sits in the warm safety of my belly forever nurturing me. most of the time our relationship is like water. healthy and clean and normal. but sometimes i need fucking wine. i need to become drunk on us. i need to become drunk on her. and she won’t fucking let me.

i.don’t.understand.

i don’t know how to interact with her anymore. i’ve reached a point in my life right now where i need something more than surface bullshit so fucking bad. my life is day in day out american commercialism and fake smiles and how are yous and BULLSHIT. my soul is so fucking dry. jesus christ i just want her to quench me. i can see the fucking waterfall but i can’t goddamn reach it and it’s breaking my heart. she won’t let me near her. every day i feel like i’m slipping further and further into oblivion and i need her to be my ground and she doesn’t understand how bad i need it. or maybe she does and she’s just unwilling. and if she’s unwilling the what the fuck am i doing here? what the fuck am i doing in life at all?

Posted on Saturday, 21 April

marishacamp asked: Your latest series is beyond powerful and stunning. I can't wait to see how it evolves.

thank you. i’m still formulating ideas and exploring my thoughts. some imagery and ideas i’m hoping to expand upon are symbiotic relationships, parasitic infestation, conjoined twins, parasitic twins, etc. it all kind of stems from a place that i’m not entirely conscious of within myself. hopefully some of that makes sense. :/